Unlimited Trolling Works
by Crafted Reality
Summary: Meh. Expect sheer randomness here.


The moment he had struck the wish with the Grail, he was immediately filled with pain. The pain was similar to the pain Kiritsugu feels when using his Time Innate Magecraft. Ironically fitting, He was _being_ sent to the start of the Holy Grail War. He travelled through space and time. Recounting all of his memories.

The fire, where Kiritsugu found him. His first memory.

His time growing up and asking his foster-father to teach him magic.

His first time meeting with Taiga.

The time he protected Sakura.

The death and burial of Kiritsugu.

Yet, all these memories didn't evoke any emotions within him. He is, after all, A sword. But he gave up that Ideal a long time ago. Saving Sakura as opposed to the hundreds of people.

Let the Holy Grail War begin anew.

* * *

"Sempai" Sakura's voice snapped Shirou out of his sleep. He took a good look of his surroundings and found himself sleeping at his Workshop- A toolshed. "You exerted yourself too hard again. Didn't you?" She glared slightly at Shirou and glared malevolently at the Engine he was working on.

Shirou blinked at this. So the wish really worked. If so, he was going to set things right.

"Sempai? Are you listening?" Sakura asked him. Shirou only nodded slightly as he kept thinking about this timeline. "You should really take care of yourself more"

Shirou frowned. He dismissed his thoughts as he faced Sakura. No use ignoring her.

Lightly smiling, he sheepishly scratched the back of his head before replying to the purple-haired girl. "Ah. Yes. I will take care of myself more" He responded sheepishly- a perfect match to his movements.

"I have made breakfast" Sakura stated, before glaring to Shirou who started working on the Engine. "Sempai" She said in a eerily calm tone.

"I will. I have to fix this a bit more" Shirou replied, secretly using _Structural Grasp_ on the engine to determine the problem.

"Sempai" Again, Sakura repeated the tone she was using earlier. Shirou didn't have any replies and continued fixing the machine. "Sempai. You're eating whether you like it or not"

Sakura dragged Shirou as a statement to this.

* * *

School was normal afterwhich. Lessons were taught by teachers, the ever-energetic Taiga running off to her class, for being late. Shirou scoring more bull's eyes at the Archery range.

A normal day. However, most people were decently surprised when Shirou turned down Shinji when he asked for help. Who would help someone when they knew that the said person raped their own sister?

"Eh?! What do you mean you won't do it for me!?" Shinja asked angrily. Most people from the sides gossiped and cheered silently for Shirou as he explain his reason. Nobody really like Shinji anyway.

"I said. I won't help you" Shirou stated, his eyes daring Shinji to continue this further. His posture was too lax and calm, his face cold, unlike his warm demeanor.

"Why you!" Shinji snapped, and regretted it about a second ago when people threw their insults at him.

"Leave him alone!" "You spoiled brat!" "Arrogant!" "Shut up Matou!"

More insults were thrown. In defeat and utter annoyance, Shinji walked out the Archery range. Along the way, a person stuck out his foot and tripped him, making the crowds laugh and snicker.

Shirou only gazed at him heavily all the while. His gaze was like steel, it was extremely pressuring.

After Shinji left the range, he let go of his gaze and resumed his Archery session.

* * *

Shirou knew that he completely messed up the timeline. He was supposed to be up late, and clean the Archery Range. Then he would hear some noises and investigate. Then he would witness two servants clashing. Then Lancer would notice him, and chase him down. Then his heart would be struck by Gae Bòlg, which where he would be healed by Rin later on. Then he would go home, Lancer chasing after him. Then he would temporarily hold off Lancer by reinforcing a rolled up poster. Then he would accidentally summon Saber, where she would make Lancer leave. Then Archer and Rin would follow him, and Saber would think of them as threats. Then Rin would use a command seal to force Archer to enter his Astral Mode.

That _was_ supposed to happen. But, Shirou was no longer oblivious. The Grail made sure of that for some odd reason.

And while he was going home, he encountered Lancer. Looks like Fate really wanted them to meet each other.

So, Shirou being smart, pretended to not know of him. Let it be known, Shirou is a mastermind at pretending to be an oaf.

"Huh? I never thought anime conventions could happen at these times. Could you please point me where it is?" Shirou lied. "By the way. Nice outfit. I'm pretty sure you made it by yourself"

Lancer only studied him with a curious look. Humans would scurry away from him when they saw him, especially with his lance shown like that. But the secret of the Grail War had to be preserved. Luckily, this idiot only believed he's a cosplayer. "Yes. It's that way kid" Lancer pointed to a random direction. "Now go and pretend I never existed"

Shirou, pretending to be an idiot, only saluted with his right hand. "Yes sir" He immediately walked to the direction where he pointed. Luckily, that direction was the way to his house. Once he made sure Lancer went off to his School and out of hearing range, he muttered under his breath. "Idiot"

But fate doesn't seem to let him off scot free. He may have avoided a conflict between Lancer, he met Illyasviel. Walking on the street, and most especially, with her servant Berserker.

Preparing another set of lies, he walked towards Illya, already regretting his plan.

"Hello. Is this the anime convention that blue lancer dude told me about? If it is, then it's pretty small" Shirou lied again. Illya only turned to him in shock, before grinning.

"Hmm?! Hello Onii-chan" The way she grinned probably reached her ears.

"Onii-chan? Are you supposed to be the _Loli-little sister_?" Shirou asked, appearing confused.

Illya, however, only looked at him in shock. "... Are you Shirò Emıýa?"

"No... The accent of my name is wrong. It's _Shirou Emiya_ " Shirou corrected.

"... Berserker, kill him. He's annoying" Illya ordered to the hulking giant, who raised the Stone Axe-Sword-

\- Only for Shirou to project the same blade. "Troll On. Nine Lives: Blade Works"

Shirou aimed for the Eight Targets that make the man.

Armpits.

Nose hair.

Face.

Hair.

Beard.

Chest.

Testicles.

Penis.

At Godspeed, he slashed all of these targets-

\- before he missed the final Lance-like thrust and hit the Penis twice again.

"Whoops! Are you alright mister? Dr Emiya will make it all feel better"

He traced a copy of Rule Breaker and stabbed Berserker with it.

Meanwhile, he looked at Illya. "You're next"

Projecting a more Massive version than the Axe-Sword, he created a MECHA AXE-SWORD and slashed Berserker with the MECHA AXE-SWORD.

Boom. Instant One-hundred lives have been taken from him.

* * *

"So... we meet again" Lancer said while leaning on his lance.

"Yes. And I got a servant now"

"?! In that case... Gàe-"

"Gay Bulge in your pants"

"-Bò- HAHAH! Hah?! Gae-"

"Lesbians in the Gay Bulge"

"HAHAH Stop it!"

"Fudge in Gay Bulge. One hundred Lives: GAY BULGE IN YOUR PANTS"

Needless to say. That distraction was a chant. Shirou aimed at... practicallt everything.

* * *

"Die Mongrel"

"Unlimited raised to the power of UNLIMTED BLADE WORKS!"

 _*Fire scorching*_

"A reality marble eh?"

"Do you have enough Swords in stock? King of Lolis"

Shirou parried through each Sword wielding a... Baseball Bat.

"I'm thug life yo!" Shirou wore the Shades of Invulnerability and the Thug Cap of PLUS ATTACK POWEAHHHR.

Shirou teleported to Gilgamesh and knocked him out cold.

* * *

 ** _I am the Bone of my sheer OP-ness._**

 ** _Carbon Graphite is my body, Diamonds are my blood._**

 ** _I have not withstood pain since I cannot be demolished by EA._**

 ** _Even at full blast._**

 ** _So as I pray._**

 ** _CYKA CYKA CYKA BLYAT! I AM THE GOD OF TROLLING_**


End file.
